Emerging from silence

I've been away from blogging for awhile, not necessarily because of writer's block, but more because the web is an intimidating thing. Everything that I've wanted to write about has been silenced by the fact that blogging lacks anonymity. In a previous post, I asked the question: Do you feel that you can be completely honest on your blog, or do you find yourself holding back? I got a lot of feedback on that one, and truthfully, it scared me a little.

I'm not really good at holding back. I'm one of those "out there" free spirited types, who finds herself struggling with ministry. It's not ministry as a whole that I struggle with. I grew up as the kid of children's ministers, so I've been involved since birth. It's moreso that I struggle with how my personality fits in with "The Church." I'm direct, honest, a feminist, and I don't have any problem questioning things. Plus, I'm a mama lion when it comes to the kids I serve, so I'll confront anyone who treats them as unvalued. In some way, I'm always stirring up controversy, and while I'm well loved at the church, I also find myself well challenged. That said, I spend a significant amount of time listening for guidance from the Holy Spirit and collaborating with pastors, so the decisions I make are not random. Still they're often challenged.

I have a lot of friends who consider themselves to be Atheist, though many of them grew up in the church. They are consistently surprised that I am a Christian, stating that I embody the opposite of what Christianity preaches. To them, Christians are judgmental, fake, pushy, closed minded bullies who, I suspect, have hurt them deeply. It saddens me to have to defend my faith in this way, to defend myself and my fellow believers. I find myself saying, "No, we aren't all like that. No, really, give us a chance," but I found that these disclaimers only made things worse. Now I just listen. I listen and reflect. Are we this way? Am I this way? Who have I hurt? Am I teaching the kids to be this way, unknowingly? Do I speak Christianese, forming an exclsive little club?

And then I go to blog and find that I only want to post the good things for fear of appearing negative or fearing what people might think. And so I just quit. I silenced myself, my voice. But doesn't this just perpetuate that horrible view of Christianity? That we are fake? If I never post about the negatives, the struggles, the challenges, doubts and pains of ministry, am I being real? And more importantly, am I missing out on hearing other real voices out there? Sadly, I'm more real with my Atheist friends than I am with the Christian ones because I, too, feel I'll be judged.

One person made an excellent comment to my original question. He/she said find a real life person to share these things with. But to me, my felllow bloggers are real life people, and connecting with them online is the same to me. And truthfully, I don't think that people I talk to in person are any more real with me than they would be online. There's still a holding back pattern.

Aren't we called to be real? Yes, we are accountable for what we say online, but aren't we accountable also for what we say aloud or hold in our hearts? Ultimately, we're accountable for all to God, the one who knows us for who we really are and loves us anyway. So why can't we share that humility, that imperfection, the real person saved only through grace with everyone?

The real question is: Will I do that? I'm still struggling with it. For now, at least I broke my silence.